Friday, May 7, 2010

Dreading Fridays

Bismillah al Rahman al Raheem

Since I arrived  from the US to UAE, I have  started  not only to dislike Fridays but also dread  it. Every Thursday , I begin to  panic and negative feelings start to overcome me.  My whole body refuses to participate in the family gathering starting on Thursday night when I just feel tired, moody,  focused on Friday  and all that surrounds it. The phone calls and messages from the relatives aggravate me and any hint for the lunch makes me sick from the inside.  As the days and weeks are passing, my negativity growths  and it seems I cannot reconcile and manage my inappropriate behavior. I have had such elements of behavior before  and never was found of the  big gatherings . Now , I m desperate to find the cause and possibly come up with the solution because there is a big risk of alienating myself from the community. Although one side of me cares for the community, the other can  care less but then why do I dread Fridays. I thought maybe I am anti-social but I do well in the group discussions and  willing to communicate with people  in solving or discussing something. I have no fear of outside or any of that Freudian categories . What happened between me and Friday?
                The epiphany came when I was taking a shower this morning.  I would not say that something completely radical and new explained my resistance;  instead, the compilation of all the emotions finally found its answer.  I observed that I do very well on a small crowd basis i.e. one to two persons. I require complete attention and a real  conversation on both sides and not for  more than a couple of hours. I have little interest in a small talk. I don’t like to be listened or listen because there is nothing else to do . I do have a feeling that I could have done something more useful instead of  being there and suffer speaking about how someone said that and that.
 Perhaps, the years of academic environment and hungry for knowledge people made me accustomed to the constant exchange of ideas, arguments, considerations, and reflections.  Here , I don’t have that feed back   and  I wish for someone to question my thoughts and ideas.  To be fair, my husband is great in filling that desire but only for a limited time and some female issues he would probably refuse to discuss in depth while I would be reluctant to  bring up such topics.  Our educations are in different fields, he is more business and practicality oriented, and I am trained in social sciences – theories. My entertainment is to question something established and explain its mechanics in the society.  We do have wonderful conversations especially traveling somewhere  and I miss  this time  quiet often. 
Going back to me vs. Friday crowd  topic, I am  not ready to challenge myself, instead I will go with myself and forget the social participation. I feel I m cornered and forced to surrender to the daily topics  of non-sense making statements , exaggerations, and myths.  It is funny that dealing with such dissonance within me I give full attention to animals and ignore a human contact. I battle with myself  but nothing goods comes out of it.
I realize that the solution  for me remains the same as before - to stay away from everyone.  I withdraw  into my shell because I don’t find the surroundings  satisfying enough . I don’t like to demonstate  my intentions  and I don’t kick and bite J. No,  I politely escape the social arena be it in the house or a Friday gathering. I would probably be misunderstood by the family but if they love me   the comprehension would  follow. I love them all but I want to stay away from their  non-challenging  conversations about  “complex for no reason”  lives.  
 I don’t want to dread Fridays, I used to love it and I want to start loving it again.